you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
