Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
