Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
50% drunk capacity currently
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Randomize
