I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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