does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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