Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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