I heard we made out
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
