She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Randomize
