around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
