my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
