I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
being pregnant is like rehab
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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