You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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