Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
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