I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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