If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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