Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Randomize
