I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
