Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
