My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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