I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
