if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
