Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Randomize
