my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
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Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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