we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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