look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
