i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
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