Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
