I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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