If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
