I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
how do you play pong handcuffed?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
