I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Send help, water and tortillas.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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