I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
