i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Randomize
