you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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