Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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