You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
