I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
