I wish life had little blips of pornography
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
