I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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