i need an iv and a liver transplant
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Randomize
