I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
