I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
