I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
