I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
