cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
