I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
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