I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
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You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
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Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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