whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
