I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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