I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
