My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
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