My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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