I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
