He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
