I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
